Satire Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. It contains deliberate exaggerations and irony for comedic effect. None of the events described are factual.
OTTAWA (AP) — In a move that has left Parliament speechless and prairie farmers reaching for their calculators, Prime Minister Mark Carney today applauded Beijing’s newly imposed 75 percent tariff on Canadian canola as “a landmark win for global decarbonization and climate integrity.”
“Let’s be clear: the higher the tariff, the better for the planet,” Carney proclaimed during a hastily convened press briefing outside the House of Commons. “If farmers can’t sell canola to China, they should pivot to a more sustainable diet—say… solar panels?”
The Prime Minister’s quip drew gasps and laughter (though mostly from his communications team). “It’s simple: imagine if every farmer replaced their daily gluten with photovoltaic cells,” Carney elaborated, “we’d hit net‑zero emissions in no time. Literally zero emissions—and zero canola.”
Carney’s remarks came in response to China’s announcement of a provisional anti-dumping duty on Canadian canola seed, effective immediately, aimed at protecting its domestic canola industry. While Chinese officials cited concerns over Ottawa’s supposed dumping of canola at unfair prices, Carney framed it as a “climate remedy disguised as trade policy.”
Conservative MPs were quick to seize on the remarks. “This is peak out-of-touch politics,” said Alberta’s Opposition critic for Agriculture. “Instead of defending farmers’ livelihoods, Carney is advising them to chew on solar panels. What’s next? Replacing cattle feed with wind turbines?”
Meanwhile, prairie farmers have already begun plotting their pivot—or protest. “We’ll eat solar panels? Great. My combine’s getting replaced with a blender?” joked one Saskatchewan farmer. “If we really start eating solar panels, I just hope they’re gluten‑free.”
In Ottawa, Liberal stalwarts attempted damage control. “He was obviously joking,” insisted one aide off the record. “But he also meant the broader point: we need to diversify markets, decarbonize, and—yes—maybe stop planting canola for a minute!”
Political analysts say the gaffe could be costly. “Canola is a billion‑dollar export,” reminds trade expert Dr. Alberta Henderson, “and farmers are already reeling from collapsing futures prices. Telling them to eat the very thing they grow—literal hardware!—reveals a tone‑deaf disconnect.”
Still, Carney might be hoping for a climate-friendly silver lining. “This is exactly the kind of creative thinking we support,” said climate advisor Bridget Green (who is definitely not real, and definitely not sipping oat-milk lattes while drafting greenwashing tweets).
In what is being described as a “multi-front policy blitz,” Carney also unveiled:
A $300 million “Do-It-Yourself Solar Snacking Subsidy” for farmers willing to grind photovoltaic cells into flour— administrative details to be ironed out by budget. A “Climate Calorie Challenge”, encouraging Canadians to replace 10 percent of their daily dietary calories with “renewable energy sources.” A push for the “One-Hour Solar Meal Act”, mandating that restaurants offer at least one food item that’s powered by the sun—think solar-baked bread or photovoltaic-infused smoothies.
These proposals have prompted widespread facepalms from across the aisle—but, to Carney’s credit, they did yield impressive headlines.
Ultimately, the Prime Minister summarized his vision: “If Canada can’t export to China, let’s eat the economy—literally—while we build the future.” He paused, offered a sheepish grin, and added, “Next week: tariffs good for recycling, tar sands are now greenhouses, and pipelines double as organic salad bars.”
