SATIRE ARTICLE: Do not take literal.
EDMONTON, Alberta — A newly released Quebec government study has reached a conclusion that stunned the nation and rattled coffee mugs across the Prairies: oil moves best in pipelines. Alberta reacted with visible shock, followed by a very long blink, then a polite nod that looked a lot like “we told you.”
The report, billed as a “modern look at petroleum transportation realities,” compared pipelines with rail, truck, barge, backpack, bucket brigade, and positive thoughts. Pipelines ranked first in safety, cost, capacity, and the ability to avoid raccoons stealing your product at a level crossing.
“We went in with an open mind,” said a Quebec official who spoke on the record because that is their job. “After months of research we found that a long steel tube that carries liquids is good at carrying liquids. We admit this result may surprise some people.” No one named.
Alberta immediately called a news conference to process the shock. There were donuts. There was coffee. There was also a large chart with two lines. One read “pipeline.” The other read “everything else.” The gap was wide enough to park a convoy.
“On behalf of workers, we are humbled by Quebec’s breakthrough,” an Alberta spokesperson said. “Tomorrow we plan to study whether water is wet.”
Industry groups offered cautious praise. A pipeline engineer said the report confirms what every first-year student learns by lunch. A rig worker in Grande Prairie asked whether the study also covers the proven method of moving oil by arguing about it on television. It does not.
Ottawa welcomed the findings and promised a task force to study the study. The task force will include experts from energy, transportation, and the Department of Announcements. A draft mandate, according to people familiar with the matter, will examine “best practices for congratulating pipes for doing pipe things.”
Quebec’s methodology was bold. Researchers evaluated past incidents, capacity data, and the physics of not spilling stuff. They also attached a GoPro to a tanker car and discovered that trains must turn sometimes. The study rated trains as useful for grain and adorable for Christmas commercials, less ideal for 890,000 barrels per day.
Trucks scored well for flexibility and country songs, less well for the part where traffic exists. Boats did fine as long as there is water between here and there, but struggled with mountains that refuse to move for an agenda item. Pipelines, by contrast, remained pipelines for the entire study period, which impressed the panel.
A Quebec academic who advised the project said the group avoided ideology by focusing on numbers and basic reality. “We tried a thought experiment where we imagine a world with no pipelines,” the academic said. “In every scenario, reality kept coming back and asking for a seat.”
The study recommends streamlining approvals for routine expansions, improving monitoring tech, and remembering that steel corrodes less when you maintain it as if it matters. It also suggests that governments speak to each other before announcing things on social media, a radical concept that drew applause from Canadians who own calendars.
Reaction from British Columbia was mixed. Some officials asked for clarity on whether a pipeline remains a pipeline when it crosses a border. The report answered yes. Others requested more consultation, then asked for a definition of “more consultation,” then scheduled a meeting to discuss that definition at a later date subject to availability.
Back in Alberta, municipal leaders prepared emergency workshops titled Pipelines 101 for People Who Secretly Knew. Topics include how long pipes are long, why valves open and close, and how molecules behave when the adults leave the room. Certificates will be given. People will put them on walls.
Markets reacted predictably. Analysts moved tiny arrows on screens. Someone on cable news said “game changer” three times. A hedge fund promised to innovate in the midstream space by doing midstream things. Meanwhile, a welder went to work at 6 a.m. like yesterday.
The cultural sector chimed in. A filmmaker proposed a documentary about a pipeline that simply works and the audience that does not notice because working things are boring. A playwright from Montreal pitched a story about a steel tube that wants to be understood. Early reviews called it “grounded” and “a little too real.”
Environmental groups issued statements saying the report misses the bigger picture, which is that Alberta exists and produces energy. The study replies that it does not evaluate existence, only methods of moving a product that exists. The argument moved to the internet, where facts and feelings meet and exchange memes.
In a lighter moment, Quebec offered to share its learnings with Ontario, which welcomed the help and then scheduled a roundtable to see whether roundtables are still the right shape. By evening, someone suggested a corridor. A corridor committee will now find a corridor map.
At street level, the public processed the news with the steady calm of people who fill their trucks and pay bills. A Red Deer teacher said the whole thing feels like discovering that elevators go up. A farmer near Lethbridge said he prefers a pipe in the ground to a train on his wheat. A Calgary dad asked if the study also proved that coffee works best in a cup, because his shirt could use closure.
The study’s technical appendix, which is the part no one reads, lists standard safety metrics, throughput math, and case studies from places that like paycheques. It notes that moving oil is not a wish. It is physics, welding, maintenance, and a land agent who can find a rural kitchen table. It says that if you want fewer spills, you pick the method that spills less.
Critics counter that pipelines lock in production. Supporters counter that the world keeps buying energy while arguing about it. The study does not settle that fight. It only points out that when a country chooses to move oil, it should use the tool built for the job. This, according to the executive summary, “is not controversial in most fields outside our own.”
Alberta closed its day of shock with a statement thanking Quebec for the clarity. Officials vowed to continue promoting best practices, solid engineering, and a grown-up conversation that does not explode every time someone says the word pipeline. There was a brief moment of silence for common sense. It passed.
In Quebec City, the research team considered a follow-up project on whether round wheels roll. Funding is expected. Consultants are ready. A panel will be struck. Its draft title is Working Things That Work.
The national debate will continue because it always does. Some will say the study is obvious. Some will say it is propaganda. Many will ignore it and go camping. But the fact remains that when you put oil into a pipe and push, it moves. When you build enough safe capacity, it moves safely. When you pretend that train tracks are feelings, it does not move at all.
This conversation could be simpler. It could start with a basic question. Do we want to move a thing from one place to another with the least risk and the best price. If yes, then the country already knows the answer. It has the answer under farms and forests and muskeg and mountain passes. It has the answer welded, coated, tested, inspected, and signed.
Quebec wrote it down this week. Alberta pretended to be shocked. Everyone else can now choose what to do with a sentence that fits in one breath. Oil moves best in pipelines. The rest is commentary.
This article is satire.
