Disclaimer – SATIRE.
ANCHORAGE, ALASKA — President Donald Trump stunned world leaders Friday when he proposed handing over the entire Canadian province of Quebec to Russia as part of a “historic, terrific, absolutely beautiful” ceasefire deal between Russia and Ukraine.
Meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Alaska, Trump described the offer as “a win-win for everyone — except maybe Quebec, but they’ll love it once they see the hats.”
Putin reportedly perked up at the idea, noting that Quebec’s official language is already not English. “This is easiest annexation ever,” Putin allegedly told aides. “No translator needed. Just send hockey team, install statue, done.”
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney, caught off-guard by reporters, offered a surprisingly muted reaction. “If it ends the war and reduces the number of Ottawa complaints we get from Montreal… well, we’ll consider it,” he said, before quietly Googling “how to remove Quebec from constitution.”
Reaction in Quebec was mixed. Some separatists embraced the proposal, claiming it would finally free them from Ottawa’s “tyranny of maple syrup quotas.” Others worried about replacing Tim Hortons with borscht cafés.
Trump, who called the deal “the greatest peace treaty in history — maybe ever, nobody’s seen anything like it,” promised that Quebec residents could keep their poutine and hockey but “must learn to spell Trump in Cyrillic.”
The White House press team (which Trump insists is “on standby for my return”) has not confirmed whether Canadian approval is required for the trade.
Ukraine’s President Zelenskyy, excluded from the Alaska meeting, reportedly learned of the deal through a push notification and was last seen muttering, “Better Quebec than Kyiv.”
As of press time, Alberta launched a petition to be traded to Texas “just in case.”
