CALGARY, AB — What began as a simple weekend road trip has reportedly evolved into a multi-decade expedition after local Alberta resident Dave Thompson announced plans to visit every oil well in Canada.
Armed with a cooler full of beef jerky, three cases of energy drinks, and a truck payment large enough to finance a small nation, Thompson departed from Calgary early Saturday morning.
“I looked at the map and thought, ‘How many oil wells could there really be?’” Thompson said moments before disappearing into what experts describe as “the most congested section of Alberta ever placed on a map.”
The route, which resembles a plate of spaghetti thrown violently at Western Canada, shows thousands of stops concentrated throughout Alberta, with a handful scattered across Saskatchewan, British Columbia, and the East Coast.
Geologists reviewing the map reportedly laughed for several minutes before confirming that, while not entirely accurate, it captures the general feeling of Alberta.
“Honestly, if you zoom out far enough, Alberta does kind of look like one giant oil well,” said one researcher. “The map isn’t scientifically correct, but emotionally? It’s pretty close.”
Family members became concerned after Thompson spent his first three days traveling only 17 kilometres.
“He keeps finding another well,” said his wife. “Every time we call him, he says he’s almost done and then sends a picture from another lease road.”
According to estimates, completing the route would require approximately:
- 14 trucks
- 6 million litres of diesel
- 83 tire replacements
- Two retirements
- One divorce
- And a minor constitutional amendment
Meanwhile, Alberta residents have praised the project as a patriotic achievement.
“If somebody’s willing to visit every oil well in Canada, they deserve their own Heritage Minute,” said one supporter. “That’s the most Albertan thing I’ve ever heard.”
The route’s eastern section has generated particular confusion. Residents in Atlantic Canada reportedly questioned why the road trip extends thousands of kilometres just to visit a handful of wells.
“Couldn’t he just stop in Alberta?” asked one Nova Scotian.
“No,” replied several Albertans simultaneously.
Tourism Alberta has already expressed interest in promoting the route as a new attraction, tentatively named The Great Canadian Hydrocarbon Trail.
Visitors would receive a commemorative sticker after every 1,000 wells visited and a free truck wash after crossing Saskatchewan.
At press time, Thompson was reportedly still somewhere between Edmonton and Grande Prairie, having accidentally entered a loop containing 4,000 additional wells.
Witnesses say he appeared happy.
His truck, however, looked tired.
